The Funny Thing About Death

...is that everyone does it. Just not very well.

In fact, statistics show that most people who do it make demonstrable fools of themselves. Imagine jumping off a building and landing on asphalt. That would really hurt. But most people who jump to their own death don't die. That is pretty much the only time I would want to die: after surviving a suicide.

Strange. But not as ironic as one would suspect, having read the near-perfect irony in the above paragraph. Indeed, life is always more shameful than death for the simple reason that cadavers can't fight back. And if there's anything worse than a silent stiff it's an uneven match (I still love you, Rockies).

For example, no one likes a necrophiliac.

I, however, am a fine example of the lifeblood of this world. People love me - and not just because I have sex with living people. I will lead the world to a new definition of dignity when I die, and folks who meet me know this.

I will have such esteem and class when I step into the void of voids people will think twice about following. Populations will live for centuries out of the shear terror of performing with such inexperience what has just been performed with such panache.

Oh it will be a day to remember.

Parties from here all the way around, and the long way around at that. If you are waiting for this monumental, solemn, outrageous event to occur, let me suggest a different alternative than murder: afterlife preparty, baby!

Let the fact that death has not yet taken you (yet... not yet) be celebrated with a grandiose tailgating party that puts shame to the World Series and next year's Super Bowl combined. Bratwurst my ass (remind me never to write that again) throw a celebration that in all likelihood will move the "kickoff", as it were, up a few months.

No harm dying a few years prematurely, as I always say.

Actually, people who know me understand when I always say "no harm dying."

Pretty simple I guess most people just don't see it that way.

Anyhow, I'm off to make all the more spectacular my own demise. Ciao!